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i love life

An Absence of Light

I recently got a very cheap car, so cheap that there’s only a CD player and there’s a limited amount of music I can listen to with my CD collection being as small as it is. I’ve been listening to the Modest Mouse album This is a Long Drive for Someone With Nothing To Think About. A line from the track ‘Ionizes & Atomizes’ inspired this.

I wake up damp, rays from the midday sun making me sweat.

it doesn’t seem right to call it sun.

A star with no name.

That’s better.

A long night, long forgotten, we still take off our shirts and show off our scars.

Remember when we wondered how flesh heals.

Hours spent staring at our hands. Spaced out. High.

I wake up into a dark night.

The moon is a right fancy mirror,

a bit too posh for us lot I think.

It doesn’t seem right – that lump of rock gets every ray of light it likes, while we, the hard working people are left to rot! In the darkness! There it is showing off its wares,

like the car headlights from next door waking us up again. And again.

Never able to get back to sleep, not Like before anyway.

Not much to do so we take off our shirts again, our scars are darker this time. Yet we don’t know why.

We were wrong about flesh, it never really heals does it.

I’m so lonely it hurts, people say that don’t they.

I can’t see past my birth, before then I was lonely I’m sure. I’m sure of it.

We’re supposed to be sad when we’re lonely, isn’t that the case

A sad little fetus, crying and the like.

Don’t cry no name, it’s not that bad out here.

Lonely little fetus. Isn’t it sad we’re born crying, as if we know what’s coming.

That’s how I got these scars, you know, the ones all over my chest.

Just like yours I know, but mine are older.

Pulled through the world, machines ripping at me.

New – ‘No More Scars!’

It never used to be like this, they say that as well.

Everything you need in the palm of your hand, ripping us to pieces slowly but surely.

It’s like music. I remember music.

Losing yourself in the rhythm until there’s nothing left to give, except it’s not like music at all.

Music made you feel alive, this just makes you sleep.

One long sleep until the inevitable.

That reminds me, it’s time to sleep again.

Until next time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I wish I knew when I was younger

I don’t like thinking too much about what I used to be like in a negative way, I like to think of it as a necessary step to becoming the person I am now. There are a few things I wish I knew when I was younger that would have made me feel a bit better, at least I imagine they would have.

1 – It gets better!

Despite the fact that all through secondary school I was told by my teachers, ‘these are the greatest days of your life’ I now know they were lying! It really does only get good once you’re older, don’t worry about how you look or what people think of you, as soon as you leave and go into the real world you can make so many different friends who are way more interesting than the few hundred people that happened to live near you. Whether it’s university or travelling that gets you into contact with new people, you’ll find that you’re a lot more interesting than you thought.

2 – Don’t plan too much

Some people always knew what they wanted to do and they grow up taking steps to live out their master plan, well these people either don’t exist, or they’re weird. Nobody wants to be one of these people! Just take life as it comes, if there’s something you want to do, start doing it, don’t be freaked out if a year later you’re not so interested in it any more – there’s always another option. It’s fine to not know what you want to be doing in 5 years time or even in 1 week, it’s more exciting that way.

3 – Your taste in music will change

You’ll look back at what you used to love and realise it was pretty mediocre, but it’s all a process. You’ll find you’re less reliant on what people say is good and you start to develop your own taste in what you like. It’s really liberating, don’t be ashamed of the fact that you thought that some corny rapper was the most fire mc alive, it’s a good way to learn what you love.

4 – Say yes

Don’t be afraid to just say yes, if someone offers you something its because they want you to have it, not because they’re just being polite. This might be a particularly British trait, we love to say no when it’s in our interest, don’t be afraid of the unknown. This applies to travelling as well, if someone wants someone to go with them and they invite you, save up what you can and get out there into the world, who doesn’t want to be friends with a yes person!

5 – Be brave

There comes a point as you get older that you realise that you’re going to die and the infinite universe will just go on without you. There’s a couple of ways you can deal with this:

– You get freaked out, hide from the reality and live like you’re never going to die just working away trying to earn enough money to pay your mortgage

or

– you get freaked out, you realise it’s best to spend the short amount of time you have on Earth doing as many things you love as possible. If you don’t think you love a lot of stuff, go out and find things you like doing!

6 – Smile

Whether people are mean or nice to you, it’s always good to smile back, people can’t work it out and it makes you remember how petty some things are.

7 – You can be sad

Considering the last point, don’t hide from you feelings. If you’re sad then, be sad! There’s nothing to be ashamed of and your friends should understand and be able to help you through it (if they don’t then chuck them!) The less you cage your emotions up the easier they become to deal with.

 

This list can be different for everyone and not every point will be good for you, but if you’re reading this and thinking that life sucks then you’re right, it does – it all depends on your perspective, if life sucks then try to change it because there are so many things to see and do out there, so stop reading this and get going!

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